


Are You There, God? It's Me, Nicolas

by rip1009



Series: Requiem in stulti [2]
Category: Vampire Chronicles - All Media Types, Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: Abusive Behavior, M/M, Mention of torture, Nicolas said, Self Harm, Torture, What can go wrong, blood letting, mention of mental distress, mention of rape, non-con situations, shit happens
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:27:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rip1009/pseuds/rip1009
Summary: Nicolas de Lenfent decided in the year of our Lord, 1992, to go and see a shrink. What could go wrong?RP inspired story.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Heavily revamped Requiem for a fool series (https://archiveofourown.org/series/901500)
Relationships: Marcus Severus Aquila/Adrian Malasorte, Nicolas de Lenfent/Santiago, Santino/Riccardo
Series: Requiem in stulti [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1766380
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> RP inspired story:
> 
> Nicolas is Santiago’s maker (his only fledgling) and I follow certain personal headcanons (like Santino being his teacher and mentor).Nicolas is very much alive in his verse, he has survived the fire. I RP Nicolas having found a balance regarding his psyche (I write Nicolas having had a traumatic “birth” as a vampire, coupled with his depression at that time aka the TVL timeline, his falling from grace, his impression he was damned as a mortal and finally punished as a vampire, coupled with the Dark Gift which had amplified his perfectionism seen in his compulsive behavior, playing and creating music as well as an emphatic personality, had an effect on his deterioration; I chose to give Nicolas a Gift of strong empathy (he contacts, feels and can manipulate emotions), this doesn’t mean he’s now depressive but he can feel a certain pull and affinity for those who are in despair, in order to keep himself in check in tends to auto-impose a more callous and ruthless image, giving the impression of an arrogant, vain, calculated individual).

**_1992, Berlin_ **

Maybe he should have done it a long time ago. Or maybe not. Nicolas weighted the pros and cons as he took a seat and took a look at the shrink before him before letting a small chuckle.

"Tarik, I am all for professional re-conversions but you surprise me. From Master of Dungeon to psychologist for us immortals. Nice" Nicolas wrapped his black coat around his frame, trying to figure out how to act professional before the man who had seen him submissive. Sure, it had been clinical. Performed after lengthy discussions of do's and don'ts. What had started as a means to blow steam had become a regular penciled down in his agenda meeting. Something keeping him in check, focused.

"In a way what we did had the markings of sessions" the dark hair man, began. Tarik was familiar with Nicolas way of avoiding heavy topics through snarky or crude remarks.

  
"Sure. Is the whip mentioned by Freud when it comes to fixing the psyche?" Nicolas retorted of course, finally decided to lean down of the couch and begin this thing.

  
"Shall I start? Do you start asking stuff? How you want to go around?" the former violinist turned into a music producer, cracked, still fidgeting with his jacket, trying to pull it tighter around him.

  
"I will not harm you, Nicolas. Try to relax. You made it to this point. Walk a few more steps" ever the professional Tarik "Now. Based on our first analysis you show clear signs of post traumatic stress disorder, OCD, panic attacks, anxiety, traumas and about five chapters down to the whole spectrum of pain and suffering. Besides treating the abuse through abuse, have you tried to introspect some of the issues? The root cause?"

"No, Tarik" Nicolas almost growled, starting his retort "I keep coming back for more because it's what I deserve and I have kink for pleasure and pain"Nicolas went into his natural snarky spiel.

"You, my friend, have a very unique talent. I do not talk about your artistic sensibilities. Emotional manipulation is exhausting. It drains you. Coming from a place you were hardly aware of it and barely capable to control it, it did some damage. Some serious damage taking in account how your life spiraled" Tarik kept his tone professional, offering a small grin as he noticed Nicolas groan at what he was saying. The young vampire refused to forgive himself and had developed an auto-flagellation routine. On the surface, Nicolas was everything many would be amazed to discovered. A man of the world, smart, sufficiently wealthy and able to present himself around without needing help. Inside. Inside there was a ragging war Nicolas kept with himself. The man refused to forgive himself and he had been taught to keep his power in the back of his mind. On a leash and contained.

  
"I know. I try not to let it over-power me. And it's not just that" he wanted to say. He wanted to say everything, spill it out and finally be cleansed of the filth. Of the years of servitude under Marcus. Of what the General had done to him. Of what he had allowed that bastard to do to him. 

  
"Here is, what I propose. You won't do it in one session and looking by your attitude, in five minutes you will say you need to be out of here and recording something in East Berlin or supervise a copyright claim. See? You faced that challenge and you can be an artist but also a lawyer" Tarik pushed on knowing Nicolas latest endeavors. He wasn't surprised the musician had decided to finally take his law degree. Pushing a journal on the table between them, Tarik continued "You write a journal. You write what you feel you can not share with anyone. You write to yourself. We discuss what you wrote here, what you want to share and if it's something you do not wish to, you can burn the pages. You can burn the whole journal after" the offer came as casual as dropping a newspaper on the table but Tarik knew things were much more complicated when it came to Nicolas.

  
"Right. Guess, I will take the journal and go teenager like "Dear diary, tonight I have to tell you how fucked up I am". That type of shit" Nicolas swung his legs from the couch and picked up the journal "See you...next week? I'll call you head" Nicolas shrugged and stashed the journal inside his jacket.

  
"You do that, Nicolas. See you soon" Tarik accompanied Nicolas to the door of his office, watching the man walk out of the hall. Stepping back inside, Tarik smirked sensing a familiar immortal signature. Crossing the door, he opened the doors of his balcony welcoming inside an older immortal.

  
"Nice working, Tarik. As we expected" Adrian Malasorte, fledgling of one Marcus Severus Aquila smirked, placing an enveloped filled with dollars on the table "My Maker awaits updates. We do not care about the woes and suffering. Anything you can get about his powers. Convince him to use them. Think of...exercises"

Tarik nodded his head and picked up the envelope "Lord Marcus will not be disappointed. I am a faithful servant"

"You better be, Tarik. _Vae victis_ " Adrian addressed Tarik before walking past him, outside of the office.

" _Vae victis_ , _dominus_ " Tarik inclined his head respectfully watching the elder exit his office as well. 

  
He had been an old servant of Marcus and having been informed of who Nicolas was and what was he of importance to Marcus. Although he felt for the young immortal, he couldn't disobey Marcus, the man who he owed his life and allegiance.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tarik faces a meeting with Marcus. Tempers flare and results are expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> || future chapters will give more on who Marcus, Adrian and Tarik are and explore more of their past and how they converge towards Nicolas. This work follows elements of RP threads and sessions. The next chapter is Nicolas centric. In my works, I follow my interpretation on Nicolas "madness" and yes, it's obvious I diverge from the classical canon that he died. Also, in my works, vampires engage in physical intimacy not just blood lust.

“Perhaps I didn’t make myself quite clear, Tarik” Marcus began studying closely the profile of the old immortal who stood his ground, papers scattered over the table, Nicolas profile dissected in tiny slivers.

“I know he is an empath and I know he refuses to let go of whatever ties keep him grounded to that fledgling he had created. Fix him or make him functional for what we need. I can’t wait for the next couple of centuries until one like him arises. I need him now. What are your concerns on his matter, Tarik? What is that you hide?” Marcus wasn’t the type to mince words nor be recommended for his patience and when it came to Nicolas, he had been patient long enough. He needed the empath.

Tarik looked over Marcus and gazed at Adrian. For some reason, Tarik expected some sort of kinship from a fellow of the same Ottoman breed, but Adrian’s loyalties lied at Marcus’t feet together with the heart given and sentiments not returned by the former Roman General. Adrian’s own anger burned bright. Tarik thought about his own gain, he had won Nicolas confidence thus he could attempt to supervise whatever power the young man and use it in order to obtain his freedom from Marcus. It was suicidal but over the years, Tarik began to enjoy the freedom of not having to report constantly to Marcus and to fix the assets the Roman used and abused for his own gain.

Nicolas had the privilege of having escaped and lived to tell the story, but Marcus didn’t forget nor forgive. To be bested by a newborn vampire not even two centuries old that added an extra lair of revenge desire on the injury. Tarik mused about the chain of events. It seemed that not even Nicolas was completely aware on how to use his talent. No one had idea of what exactly it was and the men he trusted seemed to follow the logic of restraining and sealing the deal instead of training it. Tarik believed Nicolas had used, unaware of what he was doing his gift and made Marcus lose focus. He couldn’t explain how else the vampire had managed to escape from the grip of an ancient.

“Bringing him back to you will require Nicolas to come to terms with what happened in the past and trust you. Forgive me, Lord Marcus but unless we form a plan, this will mean you will have to attempt to overpower him again. And I don’t see this as the best plan…” Tarik spoke before Adrian stepped forward and interrupted him by throwing his own file on top of what already was placed on the table.

“Don’t fret, Tarik. I have this under control. As you can see” Adrian began, his arrogance and rage dripping from the same place his misery was resting “I have spent quite some time now studying techniques of efficient mind control. Once we have him, we will suppress whatever will Nicolas has. A full asset who will follow orders without needing to be corrected and punished. I've had results with other specimens” the dark-haired man concluded, watching his strong maker in the same bid of showing himself as the man Marcus could live without. Tarik knew Marcus hardly placed trust in someone. Not even his one and only fledgling was exempted.

“Forgive me, Adrian but I believe in reason. Why continue what I've begam? Wipe his mind and finish quicker” Tarik retorted, annoyed by the way Adrian was planning everything and what the man had already done. Tarik wondered who were the candidates Adrian had been using. Marcus wasn’t the man to present his full plan and his inner circle who had a clear idea was difficult to breach.

“What makes you think we won’t do that if everything else fails? This is why we called on your skills. Do your best before we do our worst” Adrian grinned.

“Enough” Marcus cut the banter, his voice low yet commanding to have the two men shut up.

“Continue with your “therapy” and fix him” Marcus ordered becoming impatient with the waiting process.

Tarik nodded his head, avoiding Adrian’s gaze. Marcus rose from the table and made his way to the door, leaving the two men to gaze at each other.

“Just because you failed in luring him, Adrian doesn’t mean I will have the same results” it felt cheap, but Tarik had enough of the attitude the former soldier showed.

“Don’t delude yourself, doctor” Adrian added sufficient venom in the title to prove his point “You didn’t exactly play the saint with him either. Forgive my ignorance on modern therapy but since when is encouraging his desire to be punished the best method? I know he visited you before you opened this modern cabinet of yours. Since when is rising the same whip equal to redemption?” the man sneered, satisfied to gorge reactions from Tarik “Maybe you should do that instead or try mind games with him. Trust me, we did that. In the end what functioned was physical force. Marcus is still fuming over how he had managed to escape. Don’t waste time, Tarik” Adrian finished his speech and followed on Marcus steps, leaving the good doctor alone to ponder on their discussion.

Once he was back in his office, Tarik opened his personal files on Nicolas and read them again. He knew Nicolas was offering half truths on what had happened. He wondered if the man had managed to come clean before Santino or Riccardo, the two men it seemed he had formed a sort of family like attachment.

Their next session was scheduled before the week ended and Tarik looked forward to probe into what made Nicolas hate himself so much. Whatever he had done, it helped him escape Marcus. Tarik had a clear idea of what it might had been. In these situations, you dealt the cards offered and tried whatever worked best. For Nicolas it had been something tied with the reasons which made him step inside his rooms the first time they met. The young man hadn’t been a fan of that brand of violence, but he stepped in like a man who believed it was what he deserved. Something tied with events from his mortal life and what had transpired on that fateful night he had found a way to free himself from Marcus. Something Tarik was keen to find out. As much as he cared for Nicolas, he couldn’t betray Marcus. The consequences were not something he could toy with.


	3. Chapter 3

Nicolas stared at the notebook as if it would sprout insect like legs and crawl towards him. This was an all-familiar road and he loathed it. He could not shake the guilt he felt constantly. He was responsible for all of it. And he deserved the punishment. Anger surged inside him and Nicolas lunged for the notebook, grabbing it and finally deciding that paper had to meet ink.

_Dear diary,_

_This is Nicolas or Alessandro or whatever the fuck I am calling myself lately. I know I am not calling myself Nicolas de Lenfent for a long time. He died. He died a coward, choosing to face a pyre and not his own demons. Nicolas the coward is to blame for what happened to the theater. The blood, the insanity, it’s on me not on them…_

_Tiago is dead. Everyone tells me to accept it. I can’t. I refuse to accept it. I came too late to Paris. I could have stopped all of it…_

_Instead of listening to Santino, I decided to play the big bad soulless vampire. I met my match. Marcus Severus Aquila. More than two thousand years in the blood. I became his slave, his prisoner, his whore, his soldier, his asset. For more than fifty years I was his little bitch._

_I escaped from him but to this day I resent the way I did it. Like a coward, like a whore._

_He said I was an asset. I have this gift. I manipulate emotions. I augment them. I play with them. I can drive vampires and mortals insane. I can let myself be dragged into this and become crazier than I was. Santino tries to teach me how to control this. And I try to learn but I want to use this power and I keep searching for Santiago._

_They say that you feel when the one you love dies. Like something is torn inside you and never heals. I felt his pain but I didn’t feel that tearing inside me. I know he is still out there. I can feel it and I won’t stop searching…._

_I won’t… I love him..._

Nicolas stopped writing and looked frustrated over what he had so far. Black on white felt different so he did what he did best, he tore the page from the notebook, crumbled it and tossed it the fireplace.

He knew Tarik would press on him having to let go. Accept the loss. Process the grief. Go through the five fucking stages of grief. Nicolas knew this bullshit. He knew all too well that but he couldn’t throw the towel.

The phone rang and Nicolas picked up, smiling as he recognized the familiar voice.

* * *

**Rome.**

Riccardo finished the phone call and sighted, rubbing his temples after the talk. From one blast from the past to another. Himself and Nicolas. The younger vampire had refused to come outside the shadows after the whole Purge Akasha had inflicted on their kind. Granted, the books did nothing but increase his anger. Nicolas functioned on two stages, calm, and anger and the latter was something frightening to behold. A pure monster with no remorse. And his gift changed with his mood swings too. Riccardo knew all too well that creatures like Nicolas were hunted and eventually destroyed. What they had, what they did was heresy. He wondered if Armand had faced the same choice when he meet the musician. The same choice Santino made when he spared his life and ended up helping him. Once you peeled away the layers Nicolas held up like fortress walls, hoping they will shield him from pain and damage, Riccardo had seen the heart and soul. Take away Nicolas bitterness and anger and you were left with someone who cared, loved and wanted to be loved.

The conversation he just had with Nicolas made Riccardo think about what he could do to finally help Nicolas.

“Who was it?” Santino’s voice came from behind as the Italian man came inside the big living room, tossing the couple of papers on the sofa.

“Nicolas. He is in Berlin” Riccardo addressed his Sire and lover “he began going to a psychologist. A vampire. I want to find out more about this Tarik fellow” Riccardo added, already planning ahead his research.

“I will help. I believe I have some insight” Santino followed as the name had a certain familiarity and was tied to Nicolas past.

“Maybe it’s time to help Nicolas accept the loss of his fledgling” Riccardo didn’t feel like mincing words on the matter “If there was a hope, we would have found Santiago or learned where he is. This quest of him, it will destroy him. Nicolas doesn’t deserve to end up like the hollowed souls who end up begging for the final death”

“And what exactly do you have in mind, caro? We walked this road countless times. What Nicolas did when he made that man, one should never pour his heart and soul like that into the creation” Santino added flatly although the way he had embraced Riccardo had not been a mapped-out plan executed to the most minutiae details.

“He felt in love and no one expected that to happen. You know how it is” Riccardo teased his maker “You are older, more powerful and Nicolas trusts you. It hadn’t been attempted in many years but you could try to erase his memories about Santiago” Riccardo couldn’t believe the callousness of his words, but they had reached a stage where they had to do something. He noticed the way his lover looked at him. Horrified eyes meeting his own sad ones.

“It would be a merciful gesture. One we should had done long ago. Give him the chance for a new beginning. He does not deserve this turmoil. No one does…”

“I have thought about it” Santino finally spoke “The task is hard because of the way Nicolas functions. His emotions, his empathy. They can attack if they sense they are harmed or if Nicolas is harmed. We should talk with him, let him have his free will about it”

“He won’t accept. You know it. He clings to every shred of hope about Santiago being alive and with everything else he has been through. That monster. Marcus. I feared he could come out of that ordeal fully broken. It has to stop, Tino” Riccardo meet his maker, arms wrapped around his mid-section, eyes searching for the confidence exuded by the former Coven Master of Rome.

“Invite Nicolas to Rome, we will finish this” Santino offered, thinking about could be done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and questions are encouraged and loved in this home <3


End file.
